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THE
BONDS OF MARRIAGE ''Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us...Submit to one another out reverence for Christ.'' EPHESIANS 5:2, 21. Ephesians 5:22-33 is one of the most familiar and most controversial passages about marriage in the Bible. Christian spouses at odds with each other often use it as ammunition in their conflicts. The husband memorizes all the ''submission'' passages and recites them to his wife in an effort to hold her accountable for their woes. The wife counters with references to all the ''love'' verses in order to emphasize her husband's responsibility for their problems. Even when the spouses decline to verbalize these accusations, their attitudes provide evidence that such thoughts exist. Christian counselors and pastors also misconstrue these verses in their efforts to be helpful. Therefore one of the most poignant and meaningful Bible passages, that delineates the essential ingredients to make marriages work, is either avoided at best or considered detrimental at worst. Let's examine the passage in light of its context for Christian living and its relevance to Christian marriage. The Context And The Principles: In Ephesians 4-6 the apostle Paul presents a clear exegesis on godly living urging us ''to live a life worthy of the calling you have received'' (Eph. 4:1 NIV). He describes what godliness is and isn't in very explicit and concrete terms. In Ephesians 5 two key principles of godly living are introduced and then applied to the marriage relationship as an example. Love is the first principle: ''Be imitators of God, therefore, as E dearly loved children and live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God'' (Eph. 521-2). Two powerful aspects of love are here entwined together. First is the love of a father who does all he can to protect and care for his child, thereby instilling a reciprocal childlike love whereby the child strives to be like the father. And the second, is a self-sacrificial love best represented by Christ's dying on the cross for us. Our attitude toward life is to be like that of children who love their father so much that they want be like him and do everything to please him. Our lifestyle is to reflect and express love with an intensity and passion befitting those who have been loved to death: ''We love because He first loved us'' (1 Jn. 4:19). Consequently, living a godly life requires that both these characteristics of love be activated in all of our relationships as standard operating procedure. Submission is the second principle: ''Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ'' (Eph. 5:21). A submissive attitude of honoring and serving one another in humbleness is promoted as the appropriate attitude for Christians manifest in relationships with others. Our humility should emulate Christ who set the example by living among us as one who served (Mt. 20:28; Lk. 22:27). Integrated into this attitude is the characteristic of respect. We are to respect others and esteem them more highly than ourselves (Phi1. 2:3; Rom. 12:10). Consequently, the two dynamic principles of a Christian lifestyle are ''living a life of love'' and ''considering others better than ourselves.'' These two concepts are then applied by Paul to the marriage relationship. He doesn't make up something new. Rather, he extends the basic principles of Christian living to the most intimate of all relationships-marriage. The Problem And The Challenge: In my work with couples I have found that the most common complaint husbands and wives have about each other is a deeply felt sense of not being appreciated. However, their meaning of ''appreciation'' is typically quite different. Husbands complain that their wives do not appreciate all they do for them or the pressures of their responsibilities for the family. They say their wives continually question and criticize their decisions and do not respect them. Their definition of ''appreciation'' is couched in terms of authority and respect. In contrast, wives complain that husbands show their lack of appreciation by taking them for granted, being insensitive and uncaring keeping their feelings to themselves and not showing them affection. Their definition of ''appreciation'' is framed in terms of considerateness and love. Consequently, it is not irrational that each is drawn to the other's directives in the Ephesians passage because they relate directly to their pain and disappointment. I have often husband and wife versions of this passage by blocking out the wife's veres in the husband's portion and sending them home to contemplate the result. The greatest challenge of verses is for each spouse to see, understand and implement the verses that are directed to them as a husband or a wife and not to use them as a criteria to judge the other's performance. Scripture is quite consistent in asking us to think, feel and act in ways that are always least appealing and most difficult from the natural perspective of our innate natures. It almost always asks us to do that which is most difficult or which we are least inclined to do. This passage is no different. It directs the husband to be the leader in love, and the wife to be the leader in respect. Each is given the task that is naturally most difficult to carry out, especially in the context of a marriage that is in turmoil. The Mark of A Man: As
A Mate: In writing to men as husbands, Paul asks them to be
''leaders in love'' and to invoke the principle of love over and above
the principle of submission. In doing so he directs the husband's attention
to Christ's example: ''Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved
the Church and gave Himself up for her'' (Eph. 5:25). The task and challenge
for husbands is to ''love their wives as their own bodies'' by nourishing
them (helping them to grow) and cherishing them (making them feel special).
So often these two ingredients tum into controlling and criticizing. However,
husbands are reminded that the over-arching reason for marrying is love:
''For this reason (to love her) a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife'' (Eph. 5:31). As husbands we are to put a ''banner
of love'' over our wives (Song 2:4). A penetrating question for every
husband to ask is, ''What does the banner over my wife say?'' What do
my actions and attitudes communicate to her and to others? Do I criticize
her in front of my children and friends? Do l make fun of her idiosyncrasies
or do I lift her up as special? lf my banner says something other than
"I love my wife,'' a change is called for. If you want to assess the nature
of your love for your wife you can use the check list provided in I Corinthians
13:4-8. Ask yourself the question, ''Where is my love falling short?''
and then simply read these verses until you find the trait that is lacking
and use that as an inspiration to change. Why is a man's love so important
in marriage? When a man loves his wife in the biblical manner, he meets
her greatest need, the need for security against vulnerability. In a biblical
sense love is powerful. Song of Solomon 8:6-8 tells us this about it:
''Love is strong as death, its jealousy unyielding
as the grave. It bums like a blazing fire. Many waters cannot quench love,
rivers cannot wash it away''. Such love stands up under the
circumstances and problems of life even when the river of life is at flood
stage. Thus when a husband leads in love he provides his wife with a sense
of security. In God's eyes the mark of a man as a mate is not power, authority,
prestige, achievement and wealth; it is love. It is not in the quantity
of being a provider but in the quality of being a lover. I fully believe
that if men in their most intimate relationship of marriage adhered to
and lived out God's directive to be lovers, women wouldn't need liberation
because Scripture tells us that love drives out fear and bondage (1 Jn.
4:18). If husbands really were lovers, women would not need a cause to
rally around, like w o m e n ' s rights, because their right to be would
be assured. lf men loved their wives rather than judged them, women wouldn't
need a political posture such as f e m i n i s m. Because they could be
faminine without feeling second rate. Go to Part 2: The Essence of a woman as a wife
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Copyright @ A.Othniel, Bombay,
India. aocc@vsnl.com
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