The Bonds of Marriage
Love and Respect

Part 2 The Essence Of A Woman As A Wife

''Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us. '' Ephesians 5:2. ''Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. '' Ephesians 5:21.

Embedded in the apostle Paul's explanation of godly living in Ephesians 4-6 is the frequently referred to and misapplied portion of Scripture relating to marriage. In Chapter 5, Paul introduces two principles for living a godly life: the principle of love ("live a life of 1ove''), and the principle of submission (''submit to one another''). These two concepts are then applied to the marriage relationship in Ephesians 5:22-33. As applied to marriage, each spouse is called to contribute to the marriage relationship in a different but complementary manner. The husband is directed to be the ''leader in love'' which we considered earlier under the title ''The Mark Of A Man As A Mate.'' This time we will consider the contribution of the woman to the marriage in her role as wife.

Framing The Context: I was tempted to title this article ''For Women Only'' but given the paradoxical nature of the male mind, that would likely have assured that men would read it. I also considered writing the article under a female pseudonym to counter the likely skepticism of female readers when noting the author is a male. Obviously, l chose to do neither, but I would like to make a disclaimer. The material that follows is based on my impressions and interpretations of the impact of the submission concept and issue in Christian marriage. I do not claim to have ferreted out the most accurate or theologically sound perspective, but rather present some of the practical realities, benefits and problems of invoking the concept that l have garnered over the years in working with Christian couples. T'he Bible has often been critisized for its purported mistreatment or devalueing of women. For example, some women have taken issue with being labeled ''man's helper'' because of the implication that she is a subsidiary and therefore less important than the man. In context, however, nothing could be further from reality. God created ''woman'' to correct the original dysfunction of human isolation and aloneness (Gen. 2:18). As such she supplied the aspect of humanity that is relational, which is not only invaluable but may actually account for women's tendencies to value relationship more highly than their male counterparts. In another sense, however, my sympathy is with women, not because of the label but because of the task. As one humorist has quipped, ''Have you ever tried to help someone who didn't know what he was doing?'' Accurate reading of the Bible continually affirms the value and importance of women on an equal basis with men. O1d Testament law went to great lengths to protect and provide for women so they would not be abused or mistreated by the male inclination to reduce them to the status of property. Two books of the O1d Testament, Ruth and Esther, attest to the strength, wisdom, importance and vitality of women. The New Testament, under the banner of Christ's love and grace, raised women to the status of equal personhood and standing with men as ''brothers and sisters in Christ'' and ''heirs and joint heirs with Christ'' (Rom. 8:17). The differences between men and women are abrogated in Christ relative to both value and standing: ''You are all sons of God through Christ Jesus ... there is neither . .. male nor female (Ga1. 3:26-28). And Peter reminds husbands to view their wives as ''heirs with you of the gracious gift of life'' (1 Pet.3:7) the context of a woman's calling as a wife is not tempered or prompted by any basis of inequality or discrimination.

The Essence Of A Woman: As A Wife: Just like for the husband, the wife is called to do that which is most difficult to do. If a woman was called to be the leader in love, that would likely seem both reasonable and proper. However, to be instructed, ''Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord'' (Eph.5: 22) is something else.The wife is asked to take on the responsibility of being the leader in respect. She is invited to be the esteem builder in the marriage by submitting her will to that of her husband's, thereby following Christ's example set forth in Luke 22:42. Please note both aspects of Christ's example: the request ('Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me) and the deference (''yet not My will, Yours be done"), Both are critical. There is not a requirement for the woman who chooses to submit her will to do so without expressing her desires. Thus we come to the most critical feature of the submission invitation. Not only is verse 22 directed to the wife alone, but it also represents a choice and an attitude. Submission is neither an obligation nor a requirement of marriage; it is neither a role definition nor a job description. It is a choice. The issue of submission relates to the manner of one's conduct and attitude, not the specific nature of one's actions. This is affirmed by Peter's instruction to wives in 1Peter 3:1-4: ''Wives, in the same way (as Christ) be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty ... should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight'' Practically speaking, how does this work in Christian marriages? In the course of my work with Christian couples I have noted two patters that emerge from the implementation of the submission principle-one is destructive and one constructive. I will describe each in turn.

Submission-To-Bitterness Cycle: (How to turn an asset into a threat to your marriage) Wife: Chooses to evoke the principle of submission and conveys an attitude of respect. Husband: Nods his head and thinks ''All is as it should be" Wife: Begins to feel that she is being taken for granted. (Stage 1 of marital deterioration begins). Husband: Proceeds merrily along expecting submission and thinking all is as it should be. Wife: Feels taken advantage of and begins to express her displeasure. (Stage 2 of marital deterioration sets in). Husband: Gets defensive and acts to maintain the status quo and becomes distant. (Tension and frustration in the marriage sows.) Wife: Internalizes her feelings and experiences erosion in her sense of self-esteem. (Stage 3 of marital deterioration begins). Husband: Becomes domineering to uphold the status quo and keep things the way he thinks they are "supposed to be". Wife: Becomes bitter (Stage 4 of marital deterioration) and chooses one of three routes to display her bitterness: 1) becomes depressed (immobilized); 2) becomes devious (undermines husband and engages in covert power struggle or undeclared war); 3) becomes determined (engages in overt power struggle usually involving children and isolating husband). Result: Marriage is in trouble and so is the family.

Submission-To-Honor Cycle: (How to turn an asset into a resource in your marriage) Wife: Chooses to be submissive and demonstrates an attitude of basic respect. Husband: Senses responnsibility and support for leadership but asks for and values input from his wife and considers her a resource. Wife: Feels appreciated by her husband and reciprocates by giving him respect. (This is now earned or merited respect) Husband: Feels respected and appreciated and values his wife. His self-esteem grows and his sense of insecurity as a leader dissipates. Wife: Feels valued and honored by her husband and experiences high self-esteem and affirmation of her identity. Result: Marriage is strong because submission has be translated into respect which has been refined into honor. A wife's respect gives her husband a sense of strength and assurance. Like love, it is reciprocal. If respect is given, the tendency is for it to be returned. In addition, when a woman chooses to invoke submission and respect she lives up to her title of ''woman.''When Eve was introduced to Adam he gave her a title. He didn't say, ''Here is a woman'' or ''the woman.'' He said ''She shall be called 'woman''' (Gen. 2:23). With title comes both privilege and responsibility. So the essence of a woman as a wife is manifested by her choice to be the morale builder in the marriage. As such, she is less likely to be either demeaned or treated like an object. However, I cannot make any promises for the male counterpart in that regard. We often have difficulty with our side of the contract even when we see it clearly. So I would close with the observation that if women - especially wives and mothers - choose to put into practice God's directive to be leaders in respect, it will help men see them more realistically and accurately. More importantly, however, women have God's assurance that when they honor Him, they in tum will be honored (1 Sam. 2:30). So their choice will have its impact and its reward. It is guaranteed in God's Word.