Blessed Family-Parents Imprint on God's Blueprint:Parenting the Preschoolers

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6.

Parents Imprint on God's Blueprint-Parenting the preschoolers

THE PRESCHOOL FAMILY

Proverbs 22:6 has no greater elegance than in the ''preschool'' period of family life. Generally, stages of family life are determined by the age of the oldest child. For example, the ''new parent stage'' begins with the birth of the first child, culminates with the so-called ''terrible twos'' and dissolves rapidly into the preschool years which last roughly until the oldest child is five or six. During that period additional children may be born adding to the complexity and stress of the preschool years. However, the purity of positive family dynamics is never more evident than in these formative years of the family and the child.

Preschool children have a fierce attachment, dependency and desire for connection with their parents. At no other time in their life are they more in need of or responsive to parental attention, love and direction. As parents, there is no other time in family life where you have such unencumbered access, influence, prestige and idyllic presence in the eyes of your child. As one developmental specialist put it, ''Preschool boys want to grow up to be like daddy and marry mommy, and preschool girls want to grow up to be like mommy and marry daddy'' Consequently, the importance of these years relative to the character, values and spiritual well-being of children cannot be overemphasized.

Three different perspectives (the Lord's, the parents' and the child's) all leading to the same goal can be gleaned from Proverbs 22:6. In parenting preschoolers, the primary objectives are to develop the child's personality and character, and to instill constructive habits, attitudes and values that will form the foundation for the child's identity and self-concept. For Christian parents these flow from preparing a child's heart to respond to God's love and accept His gift of salvation in Christ.

The Lord's Way: The first perspective of training a child in the way to go relates to knowing God's Word and integrating it into every aspect of his/her life. The comprehensive nature of this training is laid out in Deuteronomy 6:4-9: ''Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments ... are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.'' The Parents' Way: The Hebrew term for ''train'' refers to dedicating, equipping and preparing a child for life. The parents' task is to prepare the child for a healthy, fulfilling and meaningful life on this earth, and a life dedicated to following and serving the Lord which has eternal ramifications. The essence of this process is summarized in our title, ''Parents' Imprint On God's Blueprint.'' Psalm 139:13-16 attests to the fact that each child is fearfully and wonderfully made (the blueprint). That special creation is entrusted to the parents to care for, train and guide (the imprint). Every parent leaves impressions (memories) that a child carries with him/her through life. Consequently, how parents train their child in the preschool years will have long- term results in the child's life and in the generations to come. Remember the warning of Exodus 20:5: ''I the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.'' Parents have no more important task than that of training their children during the preschool years. Doing so is responsible parenting that pays great dividends in future stages of family life.

The Child's Way: The third perspective of training a child in the way he/she should go, that is often overlooked, is that of the child. Each child is special and unique not only in God's eyes but also in his/her own nature as a human being. Consequently, no one parenting approach fits all children. An essential quality of effective parenting is the ability to mold parenting practices to identify the unique traits and temperament of each child. Thus ''the way he should go'' means taking into account each child's temperament and characteristics in formulating parenting practices.

PARENTING PRESCHOOLERS: THE PROCESS

According to British psychiatrist R. D. Laing, three stages are involved in the formation of a person's value system and character. The first two stages are experienced during the preschool years and the third is not complete until the child reaches maturity. According to Laing, when a child is born the parents have the most influence on molding and forming the child's character and personality. They have this opportunity only for a short time, because once the child is exposed to the world outside the parental circle many people (teachers, peers, other adults), forces (TV, radio, print, computers) and experiences (school, community, society) compete with and maybe even reverse parental influence. Laing's three stages are called attribution, invalidation and induction.

Attribution is the period of time when the parents have almost exclusive opportunity to tell the child how to be and what the world is like. The child responds to this input because of the exclusive attachment and bonding the child senses to the parent. Invalidation has to do with parental control of the child's life. Parents choose the experiences their child is to have and the experiences that are best avoided. The chosen activities reinforce the parents' attributions about the world and what the child is to be like; the deletions are those which would harm the child or undermine the Values, habits or attitudes the parents are attempting to instill in the child. Induction begins the moment the child becomes immersed for significant periods of time in the world outside the family, typically when the child goes to school. From that point on, a contest for the child's moral allegiance ensues until adulthood when values are internalized. Based on this overview of the process, the critical importance of the preschool years and the necessity of parents attending to the attribution and invalidation stages of their child's development is clear. You will not get another opportunity to influence your child without competition from outside forces. As Christians we know who is waiting at the door to gain a foothold in our child's life: ''Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour'' (1Pet. 5:8).

Parenting Preschoolers:THE PRINCIPLE While there may be as many parenting practices as there are parents, three generic approaches to parenting preschool children have been identified. Each emphasizes a particular aspect of the two most critical factors in parenting, love and discipline.

Permissive Parenting: This approach places the emphasis on love as the primary resource required to raise a child. It is based on the premise that if unconditional love surrounds the child, the child will grow up to his/her potential. While appealing in theory, this ''love without discipline'' approach does not account for the sinful nature that is bound up in the heart of a child, which is seeking to express up itself as the child grows. That facet of the child's natural state eventually takes precedence. Preschool children are not exempted from the fact that ''all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God'' (Rom. 3:23). Every child receives the inheritance of the first Adam and has a sinful nature that permissive parenting will only gratify and reinforce (Rom. 5:12-20). As noted in Proverbs 20:11, ''every child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.'' lf you want proof of your child's sinful nature be permissive in your parenting.

Authoritarian Parenting: This parenting style is based on the premise that structure, rules and consequences are a necessity to raise a child. Authority and discipline are advocated as the means by which a child can be molded into an adult with traits and behaviors that are pre-determined to be right and good. This parenting approach uses behavior modification methods and reinforcers such as reward and punishment to shape a child's personthood. Parents who use this approach must maintain a kind of detachment because they need to be objective in the administration of reinforcers. Therefore this approach often becomes a mechanistic discipline-without-love process where love may be used as an ingredient in the discipline formula but is not an entity in itself. Parents who use this method frequently learn what Old Testament saints discovered about the Law. Since no one except Jesus Christ could keep the Law perfectly, it only convicted one of sin and proved sin's existence. It didn't alleviate it. Only God's gift of love and grace can solve the sin problem (Rom. 5:8; 6:23). Relative to parenting preschool children, discipline without love breaks the child's spirit and produces rebellion.

Biblical Parenting: The basic principle of biblical parenting is ''love with discipline.'' Love is the foundation out of which discipline emerges and upon which discipline is based. In parenting, love comes first just like in our relationship with God. As 1 John 4:10 states, ''We love Him because He first loved us.'' So it is with children. Our love for them begets their love for us. The purpose of loving our children is manifested in the relationship between the Lord Jesus and His Father. In the Lord's prayer of intercession (John 17) He specifies the ultimate purpose of parental love: ''that the love you (the Father/God) have for me (the Son/lesus Christ) may be in them (the children/believers) and that I myself may be in them'' (Jn. 17:26). The first channel through which children come to know the love of God is through the love of their parents. However, love by itself is insufficient because of the child's nature. Hebrews12:2-11 explains clearly the relationship between love and discipline. It points to Christ as our Mentor and model and then states precisely that ''the Lord disciplines those He loves'' (v.6). In addition, the objective of discipline is made clear: ''God disciplines us for our own good that we may share in His holiness'' (v.10). The end product of discipline for us as well as preschoolers is to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace'' (v. 11). The extrapolation of these concepts to parenting preschoolers is direct. Love for their children propels parents to be concerned about their character as well as their health and safety. consequently, discipline becomes the expression of that concern. Discipline is not a substitute for love nor is any one act of discipline a demonstration of love. Rather the incorporation of discipline into parenting is an outgrowth of a parent's love. This old adage certainly applies to biblical parenting: " Parents who don't care enough to develop the character of their children, don't care enough.''

LEARNING FROM AND CARING FOR PRESCHOOLERS Parents of preschoolers have two jobs: to learn from them and to care for them. Lord Jesus emphasized both tasks in His earthly ministry. In Matthew 18 He stressed the ''learning from'' aspect by stating that ''unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven'' (Mt. 18:2). I recall an acronym for childlike faith that captures some of this learning. Faith should emulate these characteristics of a little child:

Curious (excited, enthusiastic)
Honest (completely trusting, open)
Innocent (untainted by temptation)
Loving (unconditionally affectionate)
Dependent (completely reliant)
Parents who learn this relationship to the Father from their children will grow in faith. The importance of preschoolers in the larger scheme of things was also stressed by the Lord Jesus. In Matthew 19:13-15 He rebuked His disciples for interfering with the access of little children to Him. He then called the children to Him, placed His hands on them and spoke the words that are the clarion call to preschool parents: ''Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'' Parents who bring their preschoolers to the Lord perform the ultimate act of parental caring and demonstrate the definitive nature of parental love.

	"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6. Parents Imprint on God's Blueprint-Parenting the preschoolers THE PRESCHOOL FAMILY Proverbs 22:6 has no greater elegance than in the ''preschool'' period of family life. Generally, stages of family life are determined by the age of the oldest child. For example, the ''new parent stage'' begins with the birth of the first child, culminates with the so-called ''terrible twos'' and dissolves rapidly into the preschool years which last roughly until the oldest child is five or six. During that period additional children may be born adding to the complexity and stress of the preschool years. However, the purity of positive family dynamics is never more evident than in these formative years of the family and the child. Preschool children have a fierce attachment, dependency and desire for connection with their parents. At no other time in their life are they more in need of or responsive to parental attention, love and direction. As parents, there is no other time in family life where you have such unencumbered access, influence, prestige and idyllic presence in the eyes of your child. As one developmental specialist put it, ''Preschool boys want to grow up to be like daddy and marry mommy, and preschool girls want to grow up to be like mommy and marry daddy'' Consequently, the importance of these years relative to the character, values and spiritual well-being of children cannot be overemphasized. Three different perspectives (the Lord's, the parents' and the child's) all leading to the same goal can be gleaned from Proverbs 22:6. In parenting preschoolers, the primary objectives are to develop the child's personality and character, and to instill constructive habits, attitudes and values that will form the foundation for the child's identity and self-concept. For Christian parents these flow from preparing a child's heart to respond to God's love and accept His gift of salvation in Christ. The Lord's Way: The first perspective of training a child in the way to go relates to knowing God's Word and integrating it into every aspect of his/her life. The comprehensive nature of this training is laid out in Deuteronomy 6:4-9: ''Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments ... are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.'' The Parents' Way: The Hebrew term for ''train'' refers to dedicating, equipping and preparing a child for life. The parents' task is to prepare the child for a healthy, fulfilling and meaningful life on this earth, and a life dedicated to following and serving the Lord which has eternal ramifications. The essence of this process is summarized in our title, ''Parents' Imprint On God's Blueprint.'' Psalm 139:13-16 attests to the fact that each child is fearfully and wonderfully made (the blueprint). That special creation is entrusted to the parents to care for, train and guide (the imprint). Every parent leaves impressions (memories) that a child carries with him/her through life. Consequently, how parents train their child in the preschool years will have long- term results in the child's life and in the generations to come. Remember the warning of Exodus 20:5: ''I the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.'' Parents have no more important task than that of training their children during the preschool years. Doing so is responsible parenting that pays great dividends in future stages of family life. The Child's Way: The third perspective of training a child in the way he/she should go, that is often overlooked, is that of the child. Each child is special and unique not only in God's eyes but also in his/her own nature as a human being. Consequently, no one parenting approach fits all children. An essential quality of effective parenting is the ability to mold parenting practices to identify the unique traits and temperament of each child. Thus ''the way he should go'' means taking into account each child's temperament and characteristics in formulating parenting practices. PARENTING PRESCHOOLERS: THE PROCESS According to British psychiatrist R. D. Laing, three stages are involved in the formation of a person's value system and character. The first two stages are experienced during the preschool years and the third is not complete until the child reaches maturity. According to Laing, when a child is born the parents have the most influence on molding and forming the child's character and personality. They have this opportunity only for a short time, because once the child is exposed to the world outside the parental circle many people (teachers, peers, other adults), forces (TV, radio, print, computers) and experiences (school, community, society) compete with and maybe even reverse parental influence. Laing's three stages are called attribution, invalidation and induction. Attribution is the period of time when the parents have almost exclusive opportunity to tell the child how to be and what the world is like. The child responds to this input because of the exclusive attachment and bonding the child senses to the parent. Invalidation has to do with parental control of the child's life. Parents choose the experiences their child is to have and the experiences that are best avoided. The chosen activities reinforce the parents' attributions about the world and what the child is to be like; the deletions are those which would harm the child or undermine the Values, habits or attitudes the parents are attempting to instill in the child. Induction begins the moment the child becomes immersed for significant periods of time in the world outside the family, typically when the child goes to school. From that point on, a contest for the child's moral allegiance ensues until adulthood when values are internalized. Based on this overview of the process, the critical importance of the preschool years and the necessity of parents attending to the attribution and invalidation stages of their child's development is clear. You will not get another opportunity to influence your child without competition from outside forces. As Christians we know who is waiting at the door to gain a foothold in our child's life: ''Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour'' (1Pet. 5:8). Parenting Preschoolers:THE PRINCIPLE While there may be as many parenting practices as there are parents, three generic approaches to parenting preschool children have been identified. Each emphasizes a particular aspect of the two most critical factors in parenting, love and discipline. Permissive Parenting: This approach places the emphasis on love as the primary resource required to raise a child. It is based on the premise that if unconditional love surrounds the child, the child will grow up to his/her potential. While appealing in theory, this ''love without discipline'' approach does not account for the sinful nature that is bound up in the heart of a child, which is seeking to express up itself as the child grows. That facet of the child's natural state eventually takes precedence. Preschool children are not exempted from the fact that ''all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God'' (Rom. 3:23). Every child receives the inheritance of the first Adam and has a sinful nature that permissive parenting will only gratify and reinforce (Rom. 5:12-20). As noted in Proverbs 20:11, ''every child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.'' lf you want proof of your child's sinful nature be permissive in your parenting. Authoritarian Parenting: This parenting style is based on the premise that structure, rules and consequences are a necessity to raise a child. Authority and discipline are advocated as the means by which a child can be molded into an adult with traits and behaviors that are pre-determined to be right and good. This parenting approach uses behavior modification methods and reinforcers such as reward and punishment to shape a child's personthood. Parents who use this approach must maintain a kind of detachment because they need to be objective in the administration of reinforcers. Therefore this approach often becomes a mechanistic discipline-without-love process where love may be used as an ingredient in the discipline formula but is not an entity in itself. Parents who use this method frequently learn what Old Testament saints discovered about the Law. Since no one except Jesus Christ could keep the Law perfectly, it only convicted one of sin and proved sin's existence. It didn't alleviate it. Only God's gift of love and grace can solve the sin problem (Rom. 5:8; 6:23). Relative to parenting preschool children, discipline without love breaks the child's spirit and produces rebellion. Biblical Parenting: The basic principle of biblical parenting is ''love with discipline.'' Love is the foundation out of which discipline emerges and upon which discipline is based. In parenting, love comes first just like in our relationship with God. As 1 John 4:10 states, ''We love Him because He first loved us.'' So it is with children. Our love for them begets their love for us. The purpose of loving our children is manifested in the relationship between the Lord Jesus and His Father. In the Lord's prayer of intercession (John 17) He specifies the ultimate purpose of parental love: ''that the love you (the Father/God) have for me (the Son/lesus Christ) may be in them (the children/believers) and that I myself may be in them'' (Jn. 17:26). The first channel through which children come to know the love of God is through the love of their parents. However, love by itself is insufficient because of the child's nature. Hebrews12:2-11 explains clearly the relationship between love and discipline. It points to Christ as our Mentor and model and then states precisely that ''the Lord disciplines those He loves'' (v.6). In addition, the objective of discipline is made clear: ''God disciplines us for our own good that we may share in His holiness'' (v.10). The end product of discipline for us as well as preschoolers is to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace'' (v. 11). The extrapolation of these concepts to parenting preschoolers is direct. Love for their children propels parents to be concerned about their character as well as their health and safety. consequently, discipline becomes the expression of that concern. Discipline is not a substitute for love nor is any one act of discipline a demonstration of love. Rather the incorporation of discipline into parenting is an outgrowth of a parent's love. This old adage certainly applies to biblical parenting: " Parents who don't care enough to develop the character of their children, don't care enough.'' LEARNING FROM AND CARING FOR PRESCHOOLERS Parents of preschoolers have two jobs: to learn from them and to care for them. Lord Jesus emphasized both tasks in His earthly ministry. In Matthew 18 He stressed the ''learning from'' aspect by stating that ''unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven'' (Mt. 18:2). I recall an acronym for childlike faith that captures some of this learning. Faith should emulate these characteristics of a little child: Curious (excited, enthusiastic) Honest (completely trusting, open) Innocent (untainted by temptation) Loving (unconditionally affectionate) Dependent (completely reliant) Parents who learn this relationship to the Father from their children will grow in faith. The importance of preschoolers in the larger scheme of things was also stressed by the Lord Jesus. In Matthew 19:13-15 He rebuked His disciples for interfering with the access of little children to Him. He then called the children to Him, placed His hands on them and spoke the words that are the clarion call to preschool parents: ''Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'' Parents who bring their preschoolers to the Lord perform the ultimate act of parental caring and demonstrate the definitive nature of parental love.
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